Tuesday, May 22, 2012

It'll be a long time

There was this really awesome, well they still are awesome, band that the title makes reference to. Other than that, it has no real correlation to this post. =D

This last weekend we went up to this quaint little town here in michigandialand called Charlevoix, named after the French Duke Sir Charle Voix (the voix is pronouced "voy[phlem]"). We went up for a friend's wedding, and I must tell you, if all Catholic weddings are like theirs, they are much more entertaining than any other wedding I've ever been to.

Priest: Nick loves Jen, and Jen, well, I think she loves Nick. I've never asked them, come to think of it, but I don't think she doesn't love him. You do love him, don't you Jen?

Or the even better one

Priest: The passage that they chose about the couple that just got married and they're going to pray, what most couples don't know or realize is that the reason they are praying is that she was engaged to be married nine previous times, and each time a demon that was jealous because of her beauty, killed her husbands. Not that I think Jen's possessed or anything...

Those are only just a couple of gems that this comedian of the most holy order and servant of the holy see was pulling out of his camel hair garb for this wonderous occasion that will only occur once (hopefully) in their lives. If we were going to get married again, we'd probably ditch the dirty mexican and have this guy come do it (sorry Rick, but you were too reserved during ours).

As we were headed up to Northern Michigan, also known as Disney's Hell on Ice, we were a bit concerned about the weather and whether we would need to bring clothes to weather any bad weather we might encounter while we were wondering whether we needed to stay inside. I love english, and it's younger adopted brother finish. While we were there it was about 90 degrees each day! It was awesome! I thought so anyway. We got up there Saturday and had time to check out the shell and tiny rock (they float) encrusted beach. Pam and I also discovered you cannot skip large, fat, round stones. They just tend to sink like a small child dropped into the deep end a pool-Pam claims that's what happens to them. During the reception we went down to the beach there, which did not have many shells, but did have small stones, which we skipped our hearts out. Pam handed me a large clump of sand and said "Ten bucks says you're not man enough to be able to skip this chunk of sand." The challenge was issued, the gloves were off, my manhood was at stake here. If I was unable to do this task Pam might realize that I wear skirts on the weekends while she is at work I'm not man enough for her and make me do the dishes and laundry for the rest of my life. The abject horror that was running through my head at that moment made me want to run away screaming, find a park full of penguins and go for a toboggan ride. Instead I stepped up and I skipped that measly little chunk of sand as if it might be the last thing I would do as a free man. I did so well that I now have a contract to skip chunks of sand for the national sand skipping olympic team (look it up, they really exist). Later we played some badminton, bagpipes and shoots and ladders. We tried to play mouse trap but the wedding party kicked us out at that point, saying we were just to wild for them.

The next morning we woke up and decided the best way to get a wedding out of our system and off of our skin (not even sand blasting can get wedding out of your hair) was to go for a nice long bike ride. I'm fat. I've been getting fatter for the last little while too and sitting on my bum all day doesn't help anything either. After about ten feet I wanted to give up and turn back. Pam being the amazonian woman that she is wouldn't have any such nonsense, and so with a cat of nine-tails at my back, the wind blowing in my hair (we also found out that mouse and blow dryer can give me some pretty awesomely out of control hair that would try to take over the world if we let it. I thank mu lucky stars we had some water handy) and bugs in my teeth we trudged out way along the solitary paved bike trail we were on. There were signs along the way warning us that if we left the trail we would most likely be shot and/or caught in a bear trap as it was private property around us. I'm glad that serial killers sleep in on the weekends. We stopped at some what we thought would be beaches. It turned out they were just bug sanctuaries and they tried to carry us off. Luckily we had some bottles of off bug spray and lighters with us (the lighters were in case we got lost and had to start the forest on fire so they could find us; be prepaired). They did manage to make off with my bike at one point. But I got it back, thanks to some sweet moves I learned from watching Walker Texas Ranger. We made it about 5.5 miles out on the trail, and Pam's arm got tired of whipping me and so we went back. I was relieved.

Later that day we decided we hadn't had enough fun yet and went to see a castle that used to be a farm. Where now luxurious brides and their wedding parties are wowed and awed there used to be cow pies, flies and sweaty men with the complexion of burnt meat loaf (they probably smelled about the same too). Ah the joys of modern medicine. They have a pond filled with rainbow trout which you can feed. They were kind of funny because if you threw a handful of food in one spot they would literally jump out of the water to get over each other and too the food. They were really skinny too and looked like they needed the food [insert sarcasm here]. Whoever built the castle wasn't very smart either. They had an ice room that didn't have a roof, and it was pretty warm that day (and not just because Pam couldn't keep her hands off me either!). They had some giant chess boards out in the "gardens" and we started some epic battles that would have put Harry Potter and his measly friends to shame with our mad ninja skills, pfffft! who needs magic. We were chased off by some crazy dude wielding an ax saying something about all work and not play made him a very dull boy. All in all, it was pretty awesome, and since there were no weddings go on that day we actually got to see the whole place. The bathrooms were super nice too (they don't let the cows use them any more).

We spent the rest of the day playing fat dog and eating lots of candy (they have a gourmet candy shop down town) and making sure the bike ride didn't get us too healthy. Preservatives. I need to eats lots of them to make sure that I'm going to live for a very long time. Yes, they're made in a lab, but so were you (your parents just never told you, kind of like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, just this one went on for a lot longer), and that just means I actually know what's in them. The more you eat the better you feel. I'm almost a doctor, trust me. =D I tried to get Pam to watch Law and Order with me, but she'd have none of that and threatened to bring out the cat of nine-tails again if I didn't let her watch the Princess Diaries. Needless to say, it was an Anne Hathaway marathon afternoon for us. I think I passed out at one point, that or my mind has blacked out a portion of that day because the next thing I remember I was texting another friend about whether or not he had been abducted by aliens. We came to the conclusion that he had not been the glorious recipient of Obamacare, but rather the unwitting participant in a government sponsored alien abduction program with the beings from Zlothogmaglopaskdjhasdkjashdmbsdnbmcv!$^aslkdj the III.

We also saw some mushroom houses-they're really called that-though don't ask the people that live in them if they're hobbits, they get kind of upset and will chase you will chase you with what looks like a butter knife, though they claim it's a machete. They're surprisingly fast for living in a mushroom house as well.

Here's some pictures from out weekend of awesomeness and all around awesome:

 This picture is fuzzy and dark, much like many purported sightings of Bigfoot or the Pope. Was I really there and if so, did I really molest the stone wall??? We'll probably never know...unless of course you find that wall and take a DNA sample and check it against mine...curse you science!!!!